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Yeah, I know that, Terry, you look like you had your ass handed to you.

[He frowns.]

I mean again. Knowing what I tell you.

Will you be able to keep yourself from using it as ammunition to make everything worse, tonight or later?

I didn't fucking lose against that damn cat.

[ His anger spikes, though it's not really directed at Akira. It's more to himself. Ugh. He claps both of his cheeks with his hands to snap out of it. ]

... Sorry. If it'll help, I'll try not to fuck up. I'm taking Rei next time.

[Akira looks unimpressed, but he keeps going anyway.]

I need your insight here because, like it or not, you're the one who spends the most time with her.

[This might end badly, but Akira changes his position again, so that the plate of meatloaf is in his lap and he can keep taking bites when he stops to think.]

Promises like the one you made are important to her, because she depends completely on other people.

She depended on you to keep her safe and happy and not scared. She depends on me to give her all the answers. She depends on Nekogami to make all of her split-second decisions. Probably more than that -- she depends on him to protect her too, now, because you're no longer an option.

That's... why this is such a betrayal for them, I think. Because you had your "role" to serve Kido, and you failed in some significant ways, because you're a person and people do that. You kept willfully ignoring her comfort when you scared her and jerked her around, showing that you didn't care about her feelings, when she's already sensitive to everything and depends on you to soften the blows from the outside world. And your Shadow proved that at your absolute worst, you have the potential to hurt her yourself, and would protect yourself — or your Other — over her.

So Nekogami, who is now her protector and has this completely black-and-white worldview, decides you're unfit to be near her. Kido probably resents it deep down, too, but she can't say it, because she's too much of a coward.

And now Kido can't make her own decisions, even if she wanted to, because she portioned out all her agency and gave it out to other people. Now she can't do anything without her own Persona turning on her, because she gave him more power than she gave herself.

...But, when people do things she doesn't like with all that impossible responsiblity she gave them, she and Nekogami turn on them. Mostly Nekogami, because she won't confront them.

And since Kido is either unwilling or unable to be an adult and fight her own battles, now Nekogami has decided that he needs to take the parts of her that can -- maybe the parts Kido actively suppresses -- and make that half-a-person the only Kido that exists. Because that Kido can keep herself safe. That Kido can deal with it when people don't meet her impossible unspoken expectations.

[Ah, he's started ranting, huh...]

I just need you to tell me if this checks out.

Edited 2019-11-09 03:04 (UTC)

[ This was way too much at once for his brain, so he'll take it slow and tackle one at a time after he adds his own bits. ]

... I had a chat with Nekogami before. Sort of. We were in the mansion together and I carried Kido out of the mirror maze all of a sudden because she had her music on full blast and it sucks being in that place. Nekogami said that it could have been easily preventable... her being scared, that is, but she scares easily anyway and if she was going to be scared either way no matter what I did, that way was the quickest. If I want to make up for any of it, I'd have to protect her next time, but he doesn't want to give me any more chances because he believes I used up too much already.

[ And now he has to protect her from her own Persona. Imagine that. Also he has to pull the cat out of the bag now. Sorry, Kido. ]

The part when I mentioned that she was uneasy around me, was because she had feelings for me and she was anxious about it. So Nekogami was protective of her about it. I couldn't do anything about that.

[ Basically, that wasn't his fault and Nekogami really was like an overprotective dad over his daughter. Anyway. ]

She told me once, about how she was the leader of the whole gang we made and back home too. That she wanted to shape up and be like a leader and that she couldn't do that unless she was strong enough to protect everyone. She had insecurities about it... I told her that she didn't need to take on the entire burden herself, and that the point of a leader was to help others find their way, but not take on every single problem the followers have.

[ ... ]

Was that... a mistake?

Edited 2019-11-09 03:15 (UTC)

[Akira raises an eyebrow at his first story, seems to accept the second one without question, and only speaks up at the third.]

I don't think that what you said was wrong. Any normal person would agree that taking on everyone's problems isn't the only job, or even most important job, a leader has.

If leading others is what she was actually talking about, and not leading herself. But there's really no way you could have known that.

[ What makes a good leader 101: taught by Akira Kurusu, teaching a former war candidate leader who didn't want to be one. Terry looks slightly frustrated, but doesn't do anything about it other than drumming the table with his fingers, before stopping after the third time. He suddenly remembers something. ]

Before I address your other points, I need to tell you this before I forget. Something has been... weird with Kido.

[ It's something he doesn't really want to accept, because this gives him more uncertainty than it should. ]

After she died in the lake Dungeon, she came back... with five bullet wounds. While she was in the hospital. No one in the hospital shot her. I saw her memories. She got shot along with two other people. She was devastated. We even held a memorial for them later. But this is the part where it gets weird... when we were in the mansion, those memories were no longer there. She also said to me that she was seven years old when she first came here in July. And as far as I know, she's mostly normal. She ages like a normal human.

[ He looks at Akira. DID SHE LOOK SEVEN TO YOU... HE'S NOT GOING CRAZY, RIGHT? HE DIDN'T ASK OUT A SEVEN YEAR OLD, RIGHT?? jesus christ. anyway. ]

I think... she's been dying more times than I can count. I don't know the full story for that, but every time she dies here somehow, she comes back... slightly different. It may not be noticeable in some people, but I feel like... something's off sometimes.

[ As if she's not the Kido he knows. ]

Nekogami probably knows the whole thing. And that's probably why he's even more pissed off about this situation, because she keeps dying no matter where she ends up being, whether it's here or... wherever the hell she goes after she dies here. And Minato told me that... if people die here too many times, their Persona will stack irreparable damage and break, leaving the person like...

[ The zombies. ]

... like how Red was before. Like how Hibiki is. Airi. Everyone that look like they lost their will to live. But they won't ever come back if they died too much instead of spontaneously being like that. That's the only difference.

[ He quietly sighs, rubbing his temples. ]

Nekogami is tired of Kido being a softie. He thinks that's why she dies so much.

[Seven? What the hell...]

[Akira frowns at the phrasing "those memories were no longer there", and let's be honest he kinda frowns at all of this. The fact that dying too many times also leads to ego death, that's fucking new. The fact that Kido just can't stop being in life-threatening situations. His first thought is that Nekogami is taking those memories that Kido can't handle, but that wouldn't quite make sense, because he doesn't want to encourage her emotional frailness.]

[He eats some more meatloaf.]

So memory loss, or incorrect memories... that might be the first few stages of what leads to ego-death.

And Nekogami figures that since death is somehow inevitable, he has to make this Shadow able to withstand anything, so she never goes away...

...but she will go away anyhow, if she's locked in her mind and the Shadow runs the rest of her life.

The thing is, I assumed that the host would have to die in order for the Shadow to take over. My Shadow talked about it too, and he was waiting for the day when I died on my own. I run on limited lifespans and I was quickly approaching it that time. The thing that worries me is that Nekogami wants Kido's Shadow to take over, but if she has to die for that to happen, wouldn't that just go against everything he's been going for? Maybe he doesn't know? But that's weird, isn't it...?

[ That makes him think of something else. ]

... I need you to promise me something. You can never, ever tell Kido or any variation of her--her Persona, her Shadow... nothing about what I'm about to tell you. It's important to know, and why I think Kido has been acting strange and why I don't think the memory problems have anything to do with ego death.

[ ... ]

Please.

[Is that a component? Akira just assumed that Shadow Terry was so fixated on Terry dying because he hated him. But that would go a long way to explain why the Shadows in this world are so hell-bent on attacking their Others, because they need to assert control after being suppressed for so long, and the only way to do that is through... well, killing the other.]

[When Terry makes that suggestion, though, he sets the plate down and straightens up in his seat. No slouching.]

I won't tell them.

There's a guy running around Hirajiro named Kano. Kido also knows someone by the name of Kano. In fact, they're the exact same people. He was basically Kido's family. But when I found Kano, he didn't know anything about Kido. And I made absolutely sure that they were the same person in terms of identities, and that I wasn't dealing with some mindwipe situation or whatever. I don't want Kido to ever meet him, because I don't want him to say to her face that they're no longer family. Kido cherished her family so much and... I can't stand it if she ever finds out that someone she thought was family for so long, tell her that they know nothing about her.

[ Family is too important to her, and he knows that. This is also for meta purposes lol ]

Anyway, that's the scenario. There are something like parallel worlds. I can confirm that they exist where I come from, having seen them myself, and they exist here too. You know those sudden influx of new Persona users who came from the shrine dungeon, right? They're from another version of Hirajiro. I think... a similar case is happening with Kido. Every time she leaves and comes back somehow, there's... something different, but she remembers her time that she spent in Hirajiro all the same. She told me her sister was dead a long time ago, back in... August? I think. But at the mansion, she said that the same sister was alive. That isn't because she suddenly forgot that her sister died. To her, back at the mansion, her sister was... actually alive. You get it, right?

Edited 2019-11-09 04:28 (UTC)

[Akira nods along with the explanation at first. He knows Kano somewhat, and certainly knows of the people from the alternate Hirajiro, where they decided to befriend the bird people and don't put up their gems as offerings and kill the Shadows roaming the town every night instead of going down into the dungeons.]

[But that's... hmm.]

So every time she died and came back, every Kido was... a slightly different Kido than the one before. But they all have the memories of here.

But what about the stuff like saying she's seven years old? Couldn't she tell that her body is older than that?

She looked a little conflicted about it too, like how she was so sure that she was seven years old, but then she was realizing how weird that sounded as she said it... but in the end, I couldn't really prove it to her that she wasn't. Like... with physical evidence that she could see.

[ ...

He's several months late, but he just realizes that he could have used the fucking pictures they took to show Kido. God. He feels so stupid. He'll just shove that failure out of his mind now. ]

... Was there something else I should address? I'm not sure what we should talk about now... I think I covered a lot. Sorry, my mind is reeling from all the remembering I had to do, before uh... my shadow incident. It's been too many years.

[ And his torture session from Terrence because that was one giant mindfuck. ]

[ ... ]

I'm still just thinking about Nekogami and death.

It doesn't make sense. His whole thing is keeping Kido safe, with all the times she dies, but Kido just accepts them. So is killing off Kido one more time, so that a second can take her place, really what he wants to do? And why does Kido actually keep dying so much... is it just bad luck?

[He groans and starts messing with his hair. There's something they're missing, he's sure of it.]

...and, where was Kido herself, in that whole dungeon? Did you ever... see her?

I don't get it either. I can't figure it out...

[ gestures to pinpointing

terry

TERRY

Anyway, now that Akira mentions it... ]

... Not in person, no. But I know she's definitely there somewhere. That's not dumb faith either. I know she's there, somewhere in that messed up place. I just can't figure out exactly where.

Right, with your... scanning thing.

[He forgot what it's called.]

You can't get her exact location, though? If we knew where she was, we could get to her somehow without alerting Nekogami or the Shadow, but...

[ Calling it scanning is fine. The term was coined by himself anyway. It doesn't matter. ]

Yeah... I had the gist of where she was when it was midnight on the 11th, but even when I got deeper inside, I still couldn't get the exact location. Especially with all those doors.

[ Fuck those doors. ]

... Sorry. I wish I knew too. That plan would have been great to pull off.

It would have been so cool.

[ ................. ]

And also, you know, taken us straight past all the Nekogami stuff...

[He just wants to look cool.]

[ Honestly though, yeah. Who doesn't want to look cool? Terry understands. ]

... Yeah.

[ OH. HE JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING CRUCIAL!! He slams his hands down on the table. ]

Wait! I forgot one more thing!!

[ Wait. Wait... fuck. He got way too excited there. Calm down. Calm down... Yeah. ... His hands sting, but that's not important. Sorry if he scared you, Akira. ]

The reason why Kido isn't there! It's because Nekogami wants Kido to live, right? But she wants to die!

[ ... Rewind. ]

... Wait, I don't mean that she's suicidal. I talked about this with her a long time ago too [ that's why it took him so long to remember ] so now I remember. She said her family was dead back home. And when we talked abut the option to go home after all this is over, she said that she still wanted to go, despite knowing that she's dead there and won't be able to continue living once she's there. She said that it's because her family's back home... and if she wanted to die, she wanted to be with them. And even through all those... little changes, she still thinks the same about it. I heard it through her mirror image at the mansion.

[Akira jumps, like visibly jumps, but he pulls himself back together pretty quick.]

Wait, wait— she's dead?

[Hold the up fuck.]

Wouldn't that mean that Nekogami doesn't have to worry about killing her at all? The Shadow can just... go?

No! Like...

[ Ugh. Okay. How does he describe this. ]

Kido is alive here. But if she goes back, if she leaves through the exit that we're trying so hard to open, she'll just return to her place where she's dead. She's not going to automatically revive when she leaves. The world probably recognizes her as dead already. You can't just... change something like that.

[ He doesn't know if they operate on the same mechanics, but at least Terry is somewhat familiar with the laws of the universe. ]

... I met someone. He's one of the people who came from the other Hirajiro. He's supposed to be dead too, but he's alive here.

I think the fact that Nekogami is keeping Kido hidden away is because he acknowledges the fact that Kido wants to return home, where she'll be dead. And Nekogami doesn't want that.

Oh. God.

[His hand goes straight back into his hair.]

Because he can't trust her to make her own decision, when her own decision is to die for good...

...

Terry... I don't want to have to convince Nekogami that Kido deserves to die!

I don't want to either! We'll definitely think of something else!

[ Yeah like who goes around and says their girlfriend deserves to die???

??????????? ]

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