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[ Mondo's muscles are still weak, he can't fight Terry even if he wants to. Suppressed shivers escape from his gritted teeth, his body shakes violently under Terry's grip. He's powerless. He can't even stand properly. It's frustrating. It's just like the dungeon experience all over again. He's useless.

Dammit, dammit, dammit dammit dammit god fucking dammit!! His breathing is quick and ragged, as if he's a stimulated animal that's about to pounce his prey. Ironically enough he's just a fawn, fearful and desperate, wanting to run away so badly with his clumsy legs.

He pants, pants, wheezes, hot tears rolling down his cheeks as his fists are balled. They're supposed to be balled up tight, but Mondo can't even feel them. This is not the first time he's cried in front of Terry, but it's the first time he cries so pathetically like this. His chin trembles as he lets out loud sobs of resentment towards himself, ripping through the curtain, the white walls of the room. ]

Why don'cha just lemme die..... goddammit...

[ His voice is hoarse, strained, and quiet. Why are people so persistent in keeping him alive? He's not saving anyone. He keeps messing up, making people hurt, making people cry.

"You're not a burden!!"

But he is. Terry just refuses to see the truth. ]

... You did die.

[ It's not something he wants to admit. It's not something he wants to face, but Mondo is alive right now, so none of that should matter, right? Well, it would be the case, but his dead heart still feels like it can't leave the abyss of grief, forever clawing at the walls, begging to be let out, but it can't escape. ]

They couldn't heal you because you were too far gone, but when I brought you to the hospital... I had hope.

[ He looks over Mondo on the bed, and lets go of his arms as he stands back straight up. ]

Mondo...

[ He quietly breathes in. ]

... Did you really... want to die?

[ Hearing what Terry has to say stops his tears, but his voice still trembles whenever he speaks. It's quiet, unlike his usual thunderous one. ]

Iー

[ There's a pause for a moment. But it wasn't a hesitation. It was him, thinking back to what they've been through, what he thought in his 'last moments'. It's like they're trying to punish him by making him die a pathetic death every time, amounting to him leaving them with just words but no action. Empty promises. ]

Yeah.

[ In a way, he's thankful that his vision hasn't quite returned to him right now. He doesn't need to see Terry's face. He knows just how much what he said will pain him. While it's not his intention, it's the truth. And he wants Terry to listen to it. ]

It... would've been better off that way... I was, I was given three chances in life, Terry. Three. And all I did was gettin' in others' way... endangerin' people.

[ He grasps the fabric above his chest, crumpling them with what power he has. ]

I wanted to protect ya, I wanted to protect Rei, Kido, everyone-- [ His voice trails off. ] ...I failed y'guys, Terry. There ain't a point for me bein' here anymore.

[ When Mondo usually says things like that, Terry would give him an automatic retort in an attempt to reassure Mondo that he's always needed. That's he's always wanted. That he's not a burden. That there's always a point to him being here. But none of that comes out today. He's quiet as another tear falls from his eye. And another. And another... And some more. His dead heart utterly breaks, not in two, but into a million pieces. His breath is caught in his throat.

He completely breaks down. ]

You didn't do anything like that! It was me! I should have known better! I put you in danger! I asked you to stay on the first floor with me, even though I shouldn't have! I...

[ He has cried so much in the past few days. Sometimes it's a wonder as to why he still has tears left to cry. ]

I was the one who couldn't protect anyone!!

[ It's so hard to articulate with choked sobs. ]

I was the one who should have gone back immediately to the hospital after we got the coin so that you could have been healed from the poison! I was the one who should have gone through everything quickly!

[ They're all what-ifs he thought about, and he doesn't like them. However, those were the only things that plagued his mind for the past several days. What could he have done to prevent them from dying? But the events had been set and there was no point to them. It only hurt him so much. ]

[ Instead of shouting, his voice reduces itself as he tries to hold himself back from crying. But he can't. The tears won't stop. His legs give out and he ends up sitting on his legs on the floor. He covers his face with his hands. He can't take this anymore. ]

I wished for so much... I wanted everyone back. I would have done anything... was that wrong? Was that wrong of me... to wish you guys to come back? I'm sorry...

[ Haha, what a fool he was. He thought it would've been alright if he doesn't see clearly... but he forgets how clearly he can hear Terry. The quivers of his lips, the tears wetting his words, the pain, the regret, the desperation. It's painful hearing Terry like that, like a sharp knife slowly tearing his heart apart. It sounds so familiar, all these words of Terry sounds like one he's so familiar of.

They share the same regrets, the same loathing towards themselves. "If only I".

But Mondo doesn't want Terry, of all people, to feel that. There's no one so selfless like Terry is. He's always put everyone else first, more than anyone. It's not the same. He shouldn't be feeling what Mondo is feeling when he's doing so much for everyone. ]

Don't be an idiot, Terry. [ He hisses, getting off the bed, down to the floor where Terry is. He reaches out to the blurry figure before him, grasping what he can from their distance. ] Ya protected me. Ya didn't give up on me even if ya really should've. Ya don't give up on anyone.

Don'cha... don'cha dare ta apologise, ya fuckin' moron. Ya don't have anythin' to apologise for.

[ When Mondo's hand reaches Terry's shoulder, he can feel that Terry's entire body is trembling every now and then. He's still crying even after hearing all that. ]

What are you comforting me for... stupid... you're the one that died... Even if I didn't give up, that doesn't mean anything if you didn't live. And you didn't, when I could have easily saved you. I'm an idiot.

[ Terry picks him up and puts him on the bed again, then goes to wipe his face with a some tissues. ]

Just... stay on the bed.

'm not comfortin' you, dumbass.

[ Mondo grunts when he's put on the bed, frustrated at how easily Terry picks him up and down. It's disorienting to have little to no control of your own body, even if it means he can't feel pain. ]

Fuck, stop doin' that!! I'll be wherever shit I want myself at!!

[ He'd feel more humiliated if he isn't feeling so upset about how he's causing Terry to cry like that, and to feel all these stupid shit that he shouldn't be feeling. Terry is so dumb. So fucking dumb. This is exactly what he meant. ]

Listen up. There're people you oughta protect, people with more importance. And they ain't me. People like Kido and Rei... they're yer family. Ya can't protect everyone. Ya ain't Messiah.

[ Even if Terry's technically a demigod. ]

I wanted to protect everyone ー that was why Kido and I started the gang. But it's different. Ya have the power, Terry. Ya gotta make a choice. A smart one.

[ Fuck, this is sounding like he's blaming Terry. But he really can't think of any other ways to get his point across. He doesn't even know what happened to Rei and Kido. Deep down, he's afraid of finding out. The two other beeping sounds that he's hearing... he doesn't know if it's them, but he surely hopes so. ]

[ Terry looks over at Mondo, but doesn't say anything. His eyes no longer have its usual shine when Terry usually talks with smiles and laughs in a carefree way. What Mondo says, the last several sentences, reminds him of when everyone around him wanted him to participate in the impending war back home. That he was made for this purpose. That he has the power to be a major part of the faction's victory. He remembers it all and he hates it. He made the choice back then, and that was to run away and fight whenever they tried to take him back. He didn't want to exist. He didn't want to be a replacement. He didn't want to be saddled with all those expectations. Nobody asked to be with a certain set of circumstances when they're born, and Terry is only one of the billions of people who think the same. He didn't want to have to drink blood to extend his lifespan. He didn't want to be a demigod. He didn't want to be semi-immortal so that he could watch all his friends age and leave him behind as he looked forever twenty years old. It would be easier to die, but he doesn't want that. Despite everything, he likes living.

He's so tired of it all. All this renders him speechless. He thought he wouldn't cry anymore, but there's just one more tear streaming down his cheek and falls on the floor. There's a small smile on his face, but it's absolutely broken, just like everything else. He feels something shatter inside of him. ]

No.

[ There's no force behind that single "no", but it sounds like he will not budge from that answer no matter what. ]

[ This is where things get disadvantageous for Mondo, because he can't see Terry's face beyond a blurry, vague shapes of a person. For all he know, it could've been someone else pretending to be Terry and imitating his voice. But that's not what is crossing his mind at the moment.

The silence, the way the atmosphere changes, he can feel the heaviness. But little does he know that it was caused by the things he said. He's thinking it's something else, a possibility that he doesn't really want to think about. ]

...Terry. You're an idiot, but you're smarter than this.

... I won't change my mind.

[ He keeps the smile on his face, and for a second, the image of Vassago flickers behind him even though Terry didn't touch his omamori. Perhaps that could have been a trick of the eye, but the idea should be quickly cast aside when the dragon makes an anguished cry, just like back in July. Though this time, Vassago doesn't try to take a bite out of Terry's head. He disappears as if he was never there. ]

Because, I'm just an idiot. That's all.

[ The pieces of his heart no longer remain. There's nothing left of it now. You can't repair something that doesn't exist anymore. There's a feeling of emptiness where it used to be. No matter how he'll be the outside, it will always be here to serve as a reminder. Always.

Always. ]

Mondo... hey...

What are you thinking?

It's can't be that...

No way...

That you have expectations of me?

Because of who I am?

What I can do because of it...?

[ When something appears behind Terry, Mondo frowns, trying to make out what it is, but he doesn't need to ask when he hears the cry. That's... Vassago. Mondo knows his voice well, and he sits up, concerned. Why is Vassago there?

But it disappears as fast as it appears. Before Mondo can say anything, Terry speaks.

Speaks.

And breaks. ]

...Terry?

[ Something's not right. Mondo starts moving, as quick as he can, trying to approach Terry and grab a hold of him in fear of him disappearing. He isn't quite sure what makes him feel like that, but he does. Alas, he's only grasping the air and falling back down to the floor, struggling to get back up. ]

Terry... what're you sayin'? Expectations...?

You shouldn't do that, Mondo.

[ Terry picks him up and puts him down on the bed again. This time though, he stays close to the edge of the bed so that Mondo doesn't fall off if he wants to move closer for some reason. He speaks in a nice, calm voice as if he's trying to soothe Mondo. ]

Lie down and get some rest. If you move too much, your IV will get pulled out, and you'll probably have to stay at the hospital longer. You shouldn't tear a vein.

[ ... ]

I'm tired.

[ That soothing voice abruptly disappears, and it's replaced by a blank sounding one. Mondo might be familiar with the overall tone during the emotional fight if he can still remember parts of it. ]

I still don't understand what you meant by "hope", Mondo. I really don't. I don't want to be anyone special. I didn't want to be, but I am, but I guess that's how I need to live my life, performing extraordinary feats that humans can't accomplish. That should be it, right? I don't want to be a savior. I don't want to. It's just too much responsibility for me.

[ He breathes out. His smile finally falters, so he had definitely said all that earlier, with that dead tone, with a smile. Perhaps it's a good thing that Mondo can't see clearly. ]

... I couldn't save anyone. No one. Not you, not Kido, not Rei. You died from poisoning first. Kido and Rei were already dead when I reached the storehouse. I killed everything in my way and it wasn't enough. My powers were useless. Some demigod I'm supposed to be.

I'm already a failure back home, Mondo, but I'll keep carrying on for as long as I live. Because I like living.

[ ... ]

And that's why I'll never understand why you want to die so much, despite having people who would miss you when you're gone and would cry over your corpse until they run out of tears.

[ This time, he doesn't get frustrated like he did earlier when Terry carried him around, but only because it feels like something's going wrong. Really wrong. And he can't help but feel it's because of something he said. He's not sure what exactly, but he has a really bad feeling about this. Terry's calm voice doesn't soothe him, not even for the least bit. It sounds like the silence before the storm, more than anything else.

And his gut feeling was right.

He decides against speaking up. Terry can say everything that is in his mind, everything that he wants to vomit out. He's not going to try to get off the bed anymore, but he's gonna sit up, reaching out for Terry again. Maybe the reason why he keeps seeking for Terry is because he's afraid of him leaving. Maybe it's because he needs something to hold on. Either way, he keeps his grip on Terry as tight as he can at the moment.

It only weakens when Terry mentioned the death of Kido and Rei. But he tries his best to keep his arm there, even if both fear and the lack of energy are threatening to get him to drop it. Mondo was dead, too. There's a chance that they're alive, or will be alive. He's going to hold on to the slightest bit of hope that the beeping sounds of the two other heart rate monitors are theirs.

He closes his eyes, listening closely to every single word that Terry utters after.

..... ]

...You're so fuckin' stupid.

[ And that goes for both himself and Terry.

It's clear to him now what the problem was. It was himself - his own words that brought down a weight, heavier than ever, over Terry's shoulders. Fucking hell. It's like he can't stop becoming a burden in every different way possible. ]

's never been about demigod or superpowers, Terry. Ya just bein' ya... ya give us hope. Ya give me hope. Do ya really think yer power is what yer worth?

[ It doesn't matter he can't see Terry's face clearly. He's gonna look up to face him. ]

Even if ya were stripped off your powers, it wouldn't have changed a thing. We need ya, Terry. Why can't ya get it? D'ya even have any fuckin' idea how much ya mean to us? ...To me? [ He's gonna regret this later, but he's gonna regret it even more if he doesn't say it right now. ] Ya told me, yer gonna be my friend no matter what. Ya told me to live for you. And I kept goin', Terry. I knew I meant somethin'-- at the very least, to ya.

[ He breathes. ]

But I was a lost cause then. There was no point tryinna save me. Even if I wasn't, Kido and Rei... they should be your top priority, always... no matter what. They're your family.

[ Even if... it didn't end the way any of them wanted it. ]

Don't let your power go to waste, 's all I was sayin'.

[ Terry looks down when Mondo grabs his arm and closes his eyes for a few seconds. He's still listening to Mondo when he reopens his eyes. When his grip grows weak on his arm, he doesn't shake him off, or put his other hand over Mondo's as an act of reassurance. It's a bit of physical affection that he normally would have given, but he remains as he stands, unmoving as he continues to listen.

When he finishes, Terry still stands there. There's a bit of silence that passes through them, until Terry opens his mouth to speak. ]

That's how it was before, and I didn't like it. Powers were everything. That's the entire reason why I was made, but I left. But I'm glad to hear that from you, Mondo, who always insists on being dishonest about his feelings...

[ But this isn't the time for that, is it? His voice doesn't break out of that dullness because he can't get over how hollow he actually feels when he's supposed to be very emotional--is it his turn to be dishonest? It's hard to feel anything right now. ]

Of course you mean something to me, Mondo. What do you think I've been telling you all this time? I'm not going to say that in past tense either.

[ Though, maybe, just maybe, something feels like it's coming back. It fills the empty space that his heart left behind. ]

Because it's always been that way. It doesn't mean you're any less important. I haven't felt this happy and alive before I met everyone. You're all... my top priority. The fact that I don't die is something I should always use to my advantage. I never try to let that opportunity go to waste. But what use is that when everyone around me dies instead, no matter how much I wanted to use my power to save you guys?

[ Mondo doesn't say a thing, not even about getting called out for his lack of honesty. Just a bit, a little bit, the senses on his fingertips return, prompting him to shift closer as Terry speaks. His grip becomes firmer as time passes.

He knows how much Terry loves and cares for everyone, how it really shows in his every action. The confirmation about how much he matters to Terry wasn't what he was seeking, but it would be a huge lie if it didn't make him feel that he's needed. That his life means something.

He takes a deep breath before opening his mouth again. His voice has been quiet, way too quiet for a Mondo. It's weak and frail, like his state right now. ]

Things get outta control. No matter how strong ya are... [ He closes his eyes. He knows that, more than anyone else. ] It ain't your fault, Terry. We all made our choices. Our lives're our own responsibility.

[ It's almost funny how these are words that people have been telling him over and over about Daiya's passing. He'll never stop thinking it was his fault, the guilt will never leave him, but... that's just how it is. Even if they continued to blame themselves, it wouldn't have changed a thing. ]

[ It's difficult.

Terry feels Mondo's grip get better, but he doesn't budge. Whether he feels anything in his arm or not doesn't matter. Perhaps, no matter how hard Mondo grips his arm, it won't really matter about anything.

But he knows. Terry knows that Mondo does too, that the words Mondo are spouting are something both of them can take to heart, but it's so hard to believe in the validity of those words when Terry knows that Mondo doesn't exactly follow it either. Where has that sort of belief gotten them? ]

I'll consider it if you also put that into practice yourself, Mondo.

[ And that's all he says about that. ]

's different, Terry!

[ His voice raises, he doesn't let silence space out between them. Not even a second. ]

's different. You were tryin' your best to get all of us to safety. You were thinkin' 'bout all of us!

[ He refuses to put Terry at the same low where he is at. ]

I was bein' a reckless, stupid fucker who got too carried away with the glass breakin'. I died 'cuz of my own stupidity.

[ Thinking back, it's almost shameful how excited he was then. 'I don't want to break things anymore, I want to create' my ass. He's still the same moron that he was. ]

Terry, I killed my brother 'cuz of my ego. My pride. I wanted to win. I wanted to show the others that I was strong, stronger than him! And he died 'cuz he wanted to protect me, who wasn't even thinkin' a single bit 'bout him!!

[ He falls quiet for a moment, but continues. ]

...I didn't learn at all from then. That my recklessness could endanger others. Even if you couldn't die, I made you hurt a lot then, too.

[ Terry also thinks back to the glass breaking, because he knew that he could have just broke the glass walls himself with higher time efficiency than Mondo. He knew that, but he let Mondo do it while he himself covered him from the Shadows. What does that say about him, really? Terry shakily breathes out. ]

... That's enough, Mondo.

[ He almost gets flashbacks to the first several years of his existence, but he manages to suppress it. The efforts weren't good enough though, since while the flashbacks didn't ensue, the lingering feelings of selfishness leaks and poisons his brain with all the empathy that he didn't originally have, which turns to guilt. Guilt for people he doesn't know. Guilt for people he will never know about. Because by the time he learns about them in the future, they'll be dead. They once belonged to a family too. They probably also had friends. Connections that end. People are fragile. A life abruptly ending is a tragedy, because no one is ready for the sadness that consumes them whole. Terry felt it on that day, on the Dungeon floor that was set ablaze, in the Velvet Room with the Attendants as he begged pathetically on the floor, in the hospital lobby as they carried the corpses away--

Enough.

That's enough. ]

You need to rest. I'll come back to visit you another day.

[ Though he doesn't shake off Mondo's grip on him. He just stands there. Terry's not sure what he's even looking at. The blankets on the bed? Mondo? The IV that's connected to him? ]

I... I need to go.

Wait-- don't, don't go!

[ Mondo said it faster than he could even process it himself. His instinct screams to him not to let Terry leave with this unresolved. The tremble in Terry's voice is almost an improvement to the detached one he had moments ago, but Mondo can't really say that it's 'better'. It just felt like he had fucked up, yet again.

He tugs Terry, but there's no much energy in there. Even if the senses in his fingers are slowly returning, it doesn't mean he has any power to actually pull Terry closer. ]

Stay here. ...I beg ya.

[ It's then when Terry realizes that, yes, he was just running away again. He knows running away doesn't solve any problems, but he was going to do it anyway. A grimace creeps onto his face, one that resembles pain. He ends up sitting on the bed a little while after Mondo tells him to stay, because how can he leave after being asked like that? He can't. He really can't. ]

Mondo. I'm... not that good of a person as you think I am. Sure, you've seen a lot of good sides to me. Those were real, but I'm flawed like everyone else. My selfishness gets in the way of a lot of good things I should have done instead. But sometimes, even though I know I could go back and "do the right thing", I still don't. Because I don't want to.

Remember when I told you about the burglars before? And how I got them to leave? I only blackmailed them instead of killing them off because I thought cleaning up the aftermath would have been a hassle.

[ And well, if Mondo recalls the fight, he could very easily just do that. ]

That's the sort of person I am. You've seen all the good things I've done, but it doesn't change that fact. I never thought twice about offing people I didn't care about.

[ Not that he actually did, since he never got the chance. And the fact that he still hasn't killed a person to this day is because while he did fight with them, he never got to murder them due to difference in strength.

That's really all there is to it.

And he knows. He remembers when Kido told him too--"murder is unforgivable no matter what"--and he knows a lot of people agree with that sentiment. ]

I'm not that great of a person.

[ ... ]

And still, despite hearing all that I said, do you still want me to stay?

Edited 2019-09-20 17:16 (UTC)

Yeah.

[ There was no hesitation in Mondo's voice, and his answer is again, immediate. ]

Look, Terry. I ain't smart, but I ain't a complete idiot. Ya ain't a saint. I've never thought of ya like that - no one's a saint. What's 'the right thing', Terry, huh? Who decides that? The government? The society? Do you really fuckin' care 'bout all that?

[ Because Mondo doesn't. ]

I only care 'bout people I care for. We've got people we wanna protect. Errone does. They got what they wanna protect. 's just how it is. To hell wit' everythin' else!!

[ Will he care about the life of a random salaryman on the other side of the street? Some girl staring at her phone while crossing the road? If they die, he might feel bad, but he can easily move on after a few moments. ]

It ain't like you're offin' people for fun.

Even if everyone in the world would die because I decided to keep my ego?

[ There it is. The one thing he didn't want to admit, now released into the air, released from the confinements of his mind. He stares at Mondo evenly as he asks the hard-hitting question. ]

Even though I could prevent that by giving it up, I won't.

I didn't think about what would happen. If someone dies in the world, there will be someone to mourn for them, even as a number in statistics, there will be someone. And having just gone through the three of you dying, I can't... I just...

[ ... ]

I can't imagine that for someone else. They wouldn't even have the proper time to grieve, because they'd just die too, without knowing anything. Whether I give up my ego or not, that's too much responsibility for me. It's funny, because I can save all those people, but I don't. But when I wanted to save people important to me, they die. What's... even the point of that anymore?

[ He snaps. ]

But that doesn't matter. Because you're alive somehow. All three of you are.

And,

that's all.

Nothing else matters.

[ Mondo holds his breath when Terry clarified that yes, Kido and Rei are still alive. Two seconds, three, five, and he lets go. The way his shoulders drop slightly is the closest it can be to an indication of relief ー but he's in no way relaxed, even if he's not shouting. ]

.....

[ He's quiet, but only for a moment. ]

I told ya, Terry - ya ain't Messiah. It ain't yer job to save everyone. It ain't yer responsibility if they died. Ain't there other gods and demigods to take care of that shit? It don't make sense if ya gotta bear that weight on yer own just cuz ya were born with those... powers.

[ No one can choose who they are in this world. Maybe, just maybe, they were all born with some kind of purpose. But who the fuck cares? Mondo doesn't. Fuck the police. ]

Some people might prefer to die if their loved ones're dead. So that ain't always a bad thing.

[ Just as he said that, it hit him that if all of them were dead, they'd leave Terry alone, and he'd have to live with it... forever. God, he keeps shooting his own foot. ]

...I mean, like ya saidー we're here now. 's our chance, Terry, to try again.

[ The moment 'chance' leaves his own tongue, Mondo recalls of what he had (and hadn't) told Kido. Guilt beginning to lurk at the back of his mind. ]

Even if it don't feel like we deserve it.

[ The moment Mondo starts to say the last line, Terry cuts him off, covering his mouth with his hand before Mondo can say "feel". ]

If I could have just shoved it to some other demigod, I could have. And maybe, that's what I did by running away. But there was a reason for my existence, Mondo. They cloned Terrence Nowell, because he was a war leader candidate, and he was so crucial to the faction that they resorted to cloning a demigod in an attempt to bring him back, but something went wrong and I'm here, being all the things they didn't want me to be.

There was a lot of pressure. It wasn't just my powers that they wanted--they wanted the whole package: the charisma, the ruthlessness, the intellectual strategist, a demigod that could govern several concept seats that essentially makes you a higher being in existence... all that stuff. I'm not... like that. I'm not living here for that kind of life.

[ He smiles a little. Terry did contemplate death for a second, but he decided that he wasn't going to do it. He could, if he wanted to--just don't think blood, but then he had hope. An unreasonable hope.

He pokes Mondo's forehead to push him back onto the bed onto his back. ]

Get some rest. I won't leave right now.

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