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's different, Terry!

[ His voice raises, he doesn't let silence space out between them. Not even a second. ]

's different. You were tryin' your best to get all of us to safety. You were thinkin' 'bout all of us!

[ He refuses to put Terry at the same low where he is at. ]

I was bein' a reckless, stupid fucker who got too carried away with the glass breakin'. I died 'cuz of my own stupidity.

[ Thinking back, it's almost shameful how excited he was then. 'I don't want to break things anymore, I want to create' my ass. He's still the same moron that he was. ]

Terry, I killed my brother 'cuz of my ego. My pride. I wanted to win. I wanted to show the others that I was strong, stronger than him! And he died 'cuz he wanted to protect me, who wasn't even thinkin' a single bit 'bout him!!

[ He falls quiet for a moment, but continues. ]

...I didn't learn at all from then. That my recklessness could endanger others. Even if you couldn't die, I made you hurt a lot then, too.

[ Terry also thinks back to the glass breaking, because he knew that he could have just broke the glass walls himself with higher time efficiency than Mondo. He knew that, but he let Mondo do it while he himself covered him from the Shadows. What does that say about him, really? Terry shakily breathes out. ]

... That's enough, Mondo.

[ He almost gets flashbacks to the first several years of his existence, but he manages to suppress it. The efforts weren't good enough though, since while the flashbacks didn't ensue, the lingering feelings of selfishness leaks and poisons his brain with all the empathy that he didn't originally have, which turns to guilt. Guilt for people he doesn't know. Guilt for people he will never know about. Because by the time he learns about them in the future, they'll be dead. They once belonged to a family too. They probably also had friends. Connections that end. People are fragile. A life abruptly ending is a tragedy, because no one is ready for the sadness that consumes them whole. Terry felt it on that day, on the Dungeon floor that was set ablaze, in the Velvet Room with the Attendants as he begged pathetically on the floor, in the hospital lobby as they carried the corpses away--

Enough.

That's enough. ]

You need to rest. I'll come back to visit you another day.

[ Though he doesn't shake off Mondo's grip on him. He just stands there. Terry's not sure what he's even looking at. The blankets on the bed? Mondo? The IV that's connected to him? ]

I... I need to go.

Wait-- don't, don't go!

[ Mondo said it faster than he could even process it himself. His instinct screams to him not to let Terry leave with this unresolved. The tremble in Terry's voice is almost an improvement to the detached one he had moments ago, but Mondo can't really say that it's 'better'. It just felt like he had fucked up, yet again.

He tugs Terry, but there's no much energy in there. Even if the senses in his fingers are slowly returning, it doesn't mean he has any power to actually pull Terry closer. ]

Stay here. ...I beg ya.

[ It's then when Terry realizes that, yes, he was just running away again. He knows running away doesn't solve any problems, but he was going to do it anyway. A grimace creeps onto his face, one that resembles pain. He ends up sitting on the bed a little while after Mondo tells him to stay, because how can he leave after being asked like that? He can't. He really can't. ]

Mondo. I'm... not that good of a person as you think I am. Sure, you've seen a lot of good sides to me. Those were real, but I'm flawed like everyone else. My selfishness gets in the way of a lot of good things I should have done instead. But sometimes, even though I know I could go back and "do the right thing", I still don't. Because I don't want to.

Remember when I told you about the burglars before? And how I got them to leave? I only blackmailed them instead of killing them off because I thought cleaning up the aftermath would have been a hassle.

[ And well, if Mondo recalls the fight, he could very easily just do that. ]

That's the sort of person I am. You've seen all the good things I've done, but it doesn't change that fact. I never thought twice about offing people I didn't care about.

[ Not that he actually did, since he never got the chance. And the fact that he still hasn't killed a person to this day is because while he did fight with them, he never got to murder them due to difference in strength.

That's really all there is to it.

And he knows. He remembers when Kido told him too--"murder is unforgivable no matter what"--and he knows a lot of people agree with that sentiment. ]

I'm not that great of a person.

[ ... ]

And still, despite hearing all that I said, do you still want me to stay?

Edited 2019-09-20 17:16 (UTC)

Yeah.

[ There was no hesitation in Mondo's voice, and his answer is again, immediate. ]

Look, Terry. I ain't smart, but I ain't a complete idiot. Ya ain't a saint. I've never thought of ya like that - no one's a saint. What's 'the right thing', Terry, huh? Who decides that? The government? The society? Do you really fuckin' care 'bout all that?

[ Because Mondo doesn't. ]

I only care 'bout people I care for. We've got people we wanna protect. Errone does. They got what they wanna protect. 's just how it is. To hell wit' everythin' else!!

[ Will he care about the life of a random salaryman on the other side of the street? Some girl staring at her phone while crossing the road? If they die, he might feel bad, but he can easily move on after a few moments. ]

It ain't like you're offin' people for fun.

Even if everyone in the world would die because I decided to keep my ego?

[ There it is. The one thing he didn't want to admit, now released into the air, released from the confinements of his mind. He stares at Mondo evenly as he asks the hard-hitting question. ]

Even though I could prevent that by giving it up, I won't.

I didn't think about what would happen. If someone dies in the world, there will be someone to mourn for them, even as a number in statistics, there will be someone. And having just gone through the three of you dying, I can't... I just...

[ ... ]

I can't imagine that for someone else. They wouldn't even have the proper time to grieve, because they'd just die too, without knowing anything. Whether I give up my ego or not, that's too much responsibility for me. It's funny, because I can save all those people, but I don't. But when I wanted to save people important to me, they die. What's... even the point of that anymore?

[ He snaps. ]

But that doesn't matter. Because you're alive somehow. All three of you are.

And,

that's all.

Nothing else matters.

[ Mondo holds his breath when Terry clarified that yes, Kido and Rei are still alive. Two seconds, three, five, and he lets go. The way his shoulders drop slightly is the closest it can be to an indication of relief ー but he's in no way relaxed, even if he's not shouting. ]

.....

[ He's quiet, but only for a moment. ]

I told ya, Terry - ya ain't Messiah. It ain't yer job to save everyone. It ain't yer responsibility if they died. Ain't there other gods and demigods to take care of that shit? It don't make sense if ya gotta bear that weight on yer own just cuz ya were born with those... powers.

[ No one can choose who they are in this world. Maybe, just maybe, they were all born with some kind of purpose. But who the fuck cares? Mondo doesn't. Fuck the police. ]

Some people might prefer to die if their loved ones're dead. So that ain't always a bad thing.

[ Just as he said that, it hit him that if all of them were dead, they'd leave Terry alone, and he'd have to live with it... forever. God, he keeps shooting his own foot. ]

...I mean, like ya saidー we're here now. 's our chance, Terry, to try again.

[ The moment 'chance' leaves his own tongue, Mondo recalls of what he had (and hadn't) told Kido. Guilt beginning to lurk at the back of his mind. ]

Even if it don't feel like we deserve it.

[ The moment Mondo starts to say the last line, Terry cuts him off, covering his mouth with his hand before Mondo can say "feel". ]

If I could have just shoved it to some other demigod, I could have. And maybe, that's what I did by running away. But there was a reason for my existence, Mondo. They cloned Terrence Nowell, because he was a war leader candidate, and he was so crucial to the faction that they resorted to cloning a demigod in an attempt to bring him back, but something went wrong and I'm here, being all the things they didn't want me to be.

There was a lot of pressure. It wasn't just my powers that they wanted--they wanted the whole package: the charisma, the ruthlessness, the intellectual strategist, a demigod that could govern several concept seats that essentially makes you a higher being in existence... all that stuff. I'm not... like that. I'm not living here for that kind of life.

[ He smiles a little. Terry did contemplate death for a second, but he decided that he wasn't going to do it. He could, if he wanted to--just don't think blood, but then he had hope. An unreasonable hope.

He pokes Mondo's forehead to push him back onto the bed onto his back. ]

Get some rest. I won't leave right now.

[ As much as Mondo wants to, he can't fight back against a fucking finger... god, so frustrating!!! So he just grabs the finger with his recovering hand. ]

Even if they cloned ya... whatever stupid shit they decide for ya, they've got no rights to tell ya what ta do. [ It needs some effort and shaky attempts, but he manages to remove the finger from his forehead. ] Yer soul is yours. Ya are ya.

[ Despite the lack of clarity in his sight, Mondo has continued to gaze at Terry's eyes. It's intentional ー or more like, he tries to, just so Terry won't brush what he says off. ]

What ya did... wasn't for nothin'.

... I know.

[ He doesn't have a soul, but Terry understands the sentiment. ]

That's why you're all here in the hospital. I did something. I had hope that you guys would come back, despite everything when they carried your bodies on the hospital beds.

[ ... ]

So, thank you... for coming back.

[ Terry's words are simple, but even a blockhead like Mondo was able to feel the weight in them. His grip on Terry's finger isn't strong, but it's tighter than he could manage before. He looks straight at Terry for a couple of moments, before letting his line of sight fall back to the floor. ]

...Sorry.

[ He can tell how badly and desperately Terry wanted them to come back, and he was included in 'them', as hard as it is for him to accept. It's cruel of him to tell Terry that he should have been dead instead, when Terry has been waiting and hoping for them to come back. He can't imagine being left alive, while the rest of his 'family', the place where he belongs, is gone. ]

[ Yeah, Mondo... survivor's guilt is strong, isn't it? Terry smiles a little and gives him a small hug. ]

It's okay... as long as you understand.

[ Mondo closes his eyes when Terry gives him the hug. He's aware that the other wasn't intending to give him a full embrace, but he instinctively buries his face on Terry's shoulder, automatically putting his weight upon Terry with his disability to sit up properly.

It's warm, and it makes him feel comfortable. It feels safe there.

Before he knows it, it slowly puts him into a lull. ]

[ He's warm... and that's good for now. He just wants them to live. When he notices Mondo leaning into him, Terry gently rubs his back to help him relax and sleep some more.

Everything will be fine. Everything will be okay.

... Maybe. ]

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